Muruga Doss's Dil Se...

It was the most unforgettable year in my life....1998. My father died of kidney failure. I was mentally exhausted moving around hospitals. I had already tried five hospitals and this time he was in no position to move. He was hospitalized for sixty days. Those were the most difficult days in my life. There were many beds in the ICU and each night when I would go home and return, the next morning I would find a bed vacant. It happened for many days. When I asked the nurse she told me that the patient passed away. I had a lump in my throat, it was so difficult to accept the fact that one day my dad would go from the bed, the room and my life too. There was no fighting fate. He too was aware of it. He would undergo dialysis twice a week and look helplessly at me while I sat beside him holding his hand.

He had tubes all over his body, his nose and mouth. There was no way he could talk so I decided I would speak and for the first time ever.... I opened my heart and spoke endlessly on every topic I could think and touch upon. We belonged to a middle class family, a family where it is rare for a father and son to cross path. I know my father loved me but I don't ever remember speaking to him when it wasn't important. That as the system, the respect we gave to our elders. I promised him I would take care of the family and he shouldn't worry, I discussed my innermost feelings with him which I never thought I would. Sometimes, I cried, I didn't have words and he would stare at me and tears would come rolling down his cheek.

One day a twelve year old girl died at the hospital and the grief stricken mother was screaming and weeping inconsolably. I was very upset and started thinking about the very meaning of existence. I incorporated these hospital scenes in my Tamil film Ramana (Tagore in Telugu). A day after, my father left me. It took many years to come out of that state of depression. My father isn't here to see me and my films do well. At that time I was a struggling new comer. I was working as an assistant director for a Tamil film with Simran and Abbas in Poo Choodava.

I'm financially comfortable today and have kept my promise. I work, send money home to my family, kith and kin. But I regret something. I wish I had been close to my father. I know what I had missed out on in life, my father will never come back and I will never know what he wanted to speak to me in his last days. I only wish I knew what he had on mind. I long for one hug and I know I won't get it. I keep telling my friend's son to spend a lot of time with his parents and to communicate. I am blessed with a child on Wednesday (19th April 2006) and I have promised myself that I will give my baby all the love and affection. I will share everything with the child and be near him whenever he wants me, not just needs me…..

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Manodu Ram
Peter Hein